learning how to love.

I don’t know if I want to be a graduate student anymore.

There I said it. I don’t know if I want to be studying for my MA in counselling. I don’t know if it is what the Lord is calling me to. I don’t know what the Lord is calling me to.

I guess this is what happens when you try to do life on your own terms for so long.

Lately (well, who are we kidding… a bit more than just “lately”), everything has been about Emmy. It’s been my way or the highway and well… that’s not how I want to live anymore. I just finished reading Jennie Allen’s book “Anything” and it really touched me in a deep place.

What if I were to give God everything, to tell God that He could do anything with my life? The idea of it sounds like what I am supposed to do as a Christian, but the actual speaking the words and letting it happen absolutely terrifies me.

Another stumbling block is that verse in 1 Corinthians about being nothing but a noise machine if you don’t have love (my paraphrase). I feel like I don’t have love. Like there are still too many walls wrapped around my heart to give true Christ-like love, to receive Christ’s love.

Lord, how do I break down these walls? Okay, how do I let you break them down? Or is it something we do together? Either way… how does it happen? Where do I start?

Jesus, help to me allow love into my life. Help me to give you everything. But mostly, help me to surrender my Pharisaical lifestyle and live with reckless abandon to you. Help me get to know our Father. Help me to redefine what father means and to let love heal me still bleeding wounds. 

How did you come to give God your everything? What was discovering God like for you?


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