on finding my niche.

I’ve been loitering around the blogging community for a couple years now. I have always wanted to create my own blog, but it feels like I don’t fit into any of the mainstream niches – motherhood blog, theologian bloggers, cleaning & organising blog, sports, what-have-you. I felt like my voice never mattered. I felt like there was nothing I could bring to the table.

That’s how it’s been most of my life. I was the girl whose well of self-worth was completely dry.

The first time I remember hating myself I was 7 years old. My parents were in the middle of a bitter divorce, I didn’t have many friends and things were changing way too fast for my seven year old mind to keep up. All the grown ups (and my peers) voiced their opinions around me and just went along for the ride. Things didn’t get better as I got older and I feel even deeper into worthlessness and depression. Things got so dark that I tried to kill myself three different times while I was in high school and college.

But the Lord knew me in my mother’s womb and has been calling me to his side since I was a little girl – even if I did not always believe it.

The past year has found my life turned upside-down from what it was. A year ago I was living in New Jersey a new college graduate with a decent paying retail job and a nice car. Now I find myself living in Florida without a job or a car, BUT it is a life that is actually much better than what it  was. The Lord is full of surprise blessings like that.

The secrets I held deep within my bones have been exposed one-by-one and for the first time in my life I am finding my voice. I think I’ve found my niche – and it is safe within the Father’s arms. I blog from the place of a single young woman who is exploring her singleness in this season, pursuing Jesus and further education, has a passion for arts, crafts, and caring for children. I speak from where I sit still resting on the Father’s lap soaking in his wisdom and love. I speak with my unique voice – that truly does matter.

I am worth loving. 

I am worth more than my scars.

I am worth it because my Abba loves me in spite of me.

This is my life and slowly I am discovering just how much I matter to the Lord and how that is why I am so worth loving. – By the way, that’s a shout out to two fabulous organisations: So Worth Loving & Lionhart.

a list of things i don’t do.

I was reading the Bohemian Bowman blog and she posted a list of things that she doesn’t do. At the end of the post was a question to readers: “What are some ‘don’ts’ in your life?” Well, this is what I have come up with.

{1} I Don’t Do Twitter or Video Games.
Yes, I am borrowing stealing this from the Bowman blog. But it is true. I just don’t do either of these. In fact I just recently listed my old Nintendo DS on Amazon and I deleted the Twitter account I made just three days after creating it. (That was many months ago, by the way). Twitter comes off to me as unorganised and just plain weird. I barely tolerate Facebook so why would I add something that is basically just a website for status updates to my social media regime? As for video games, I just never found one that captivated me – well, except for Pokemon, but wasn’t everyone addicted to Pokemon-something back in the day?

{2} I Don’t Do “Real” Spoons.
I think it comes from being in recovery from and eating disorder. I think it comes from when I was in inpatient and a friend of mine there turned me on to using baby spoons at meal times. I think it comes from my just acting like a 5 year old but I don’t like metal spoon. I never have really. Even with forks and knives, I hate the metal sound and metallic feeling in my mouth. So yes, I do have a drawer full of cute baby spoons and YogurtLand spoons thank you very much. I know I am a dork and I’m proud of it!

{3} I Don’t Do Normal.
What is normal anyway? But yeah, I don’t do normal. I go for quirky, abstract, funny, different, spunky, spicy, etc. I don’t get “normal.” I don’t want normal. I want to be passionate, creative, and set apart.

{4} I Don’t Do Clutter and Junk.
Okay, so I might need some help with this one. It might be a work in progress, but I am (slowly, but surely) clearing out the clutter in my life and seeking to live minimally. 

{5} I Don’t Do “Passionless” Christianity.
I want radical, passionate, set apart-on-fire-for-God faith. I don’t do legalism or lukewarm Christianity (well, God help me not to. This is another work in progress). I want to be deeply in love with my Bridegroom, my Father, my Friend and live all my days to serve and love Him.

Now, here are some things I still do that I want to turn into things that I do not do:

1. Perfectionism.
2. Not Managing My Budget.
3. Overeating/ED (Ah, the sigh of relief from confessing and admitting a struggle).
4. Did I mention PERFECTIONISM. (Lord Almighty, free me from this created hell!)

return to your first love.

I feel like I have lost my ability to write. To those that know me this is like a deep ache stemming from the depths of my soul. Writing is how I communicate. It is how I inhale and exhale the world.

But perhaps that is the problem.

As the words came to me for this post I was finishing a chapter in Mike Bickle’s book “Passion for Jesus: Cultivating Extravagant Love for God” and the lyrics to Flyleaf’s song “Penholder” flooded every synapse of my mind.

It is I who is writing, but it is the Lord who is giving me the insight and the words. When I am not connected to God, but to the things of the world it makes sense that my well of words will run dry. It only stands to reason that I’ll spend my days lifelessly wandering without hope or inspiration.Without the Holy Spirit flowing through my whole being I am an empty vessel filling back up with crap.

In order to utilise my gifts I need to come back to the heart of the Gift Giver, the God and Person of Jesus Christ.

Instead of relying on my own weak frame I must walk run back to my Abba who comes to me with open arms. He is my reason for living, the one who allows me to love – and write. I have not been spending time with Jesus lately. I have been neglecting the saviour and lover of my soul. And it shows in the fruit (or lack there of) in my life.

It is time to return to my first love.

It is time that I say no to the idols that I have allowed to creep back in and send them packing. It is time to let Abba patch the gaps that I have kept open for the evil spirits to come back through. I must release the idols of television, food, material possession, money, comparisons, and victimisation and let Jesus fill the space that only he was meant to fill.

becoming his Talmidim: the beginning.

I have been blogging since I was a teenager, but that blogging looked like angst-y teen rants on LiveJournal and then cutesy whimsy posts on Tumblr. I have also attempted to break into “real” blogging via Blogger and WordPress several different times, but all crashed and burned because I had no real purpose, drive, schedule, or real idea of what it means to truly blog.

I have always loved the written word and find that I can communicate my thoughts and ideas best through the art of writing. I write to breathe, to express, to vent, and to be.

Unlike my previous attempts at blogging this blog was birthed from something that the Lord has been revealing to me over the past several weeks: that he has called me from where I was into His light to become his Talmidim. (Talmidim is a Hebrew word for disciple or servant). I will post things that speak to my journey getting the dust from my Rabbi’s sandals on my dress. I will post craft and DIY projects that illuminate my world and hopefully yours. I will post about my journey to becoming a licensed mental health counsellor and Montessori early childhood teacher.

Tell me, what would you like to see on this blog?

In His Grace,
EmmySofia.